Thursday, April 3, 2014

Welcome to the Jurassic Parlour

We clocked the pencil case at 0 mph.
I used to go through life thinking that nobody could possibly love Jurassic Park enough to have an entire room in their house filled with every type of JP merchandise imaginable. Then I met Tim Piper, and realized that a man can love Jurassic Park enough to have an entire room in his house filled with every type of JP merchandise imaginable.

From toys to pins to busts to posters to more toys, Tim’s Jurassic Parlour is a spectacle to behold. I'm not sure exactly what a person's descent into madness looks like, but I'm pretty sure it involves a foam soap dispenser with a dilophosaurus on the top.

Tim even has a pet frog named Nedry, which is adorable in a sort of serial killer kind of way. The only thing the Jurassic Parlour seems to be missing is Jeff Goldblum’s severed head, although I didn’t check his closet so I can’t be sure.

Be sure to visit Tim’s Instagram page during his Dino Giveaway for a chance to win some JP stuff.

Enjoy a few pictures below of the JParlor (more here). Hold onto your butts.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Death to 90’s Star Wars Figures

The Star Wars figures Kenner released in the 1990’s were the most disturbing event of the decade. In fact, most scholars refer to the failed line of toys as “the 9/11 of the 90’s.” My hatred for them, coupled with my love of the original vintage Kenner line, prompted me to create this series of photos I call “Death to 90’s Star Wars Figures.”

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Read My Updated Version of the "Little Golden Picture Dictionary"

I love vintage kids’ books from the 70’s. Oftentimes they’re overly wholesome while still being pretty offensive due to outdated gender stereotyping and subtle racial prejudices. After finding my copy of the Little Golden Picture Dictionary, I scanned it and updated the entries. 

Scroll down and enjoy the entire Little Creepy Picture Dictionary. I think it’ll really help kids learn their ABCs and help open their eyes to the real world. 

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Playmobil's Idea of “Summer Fun” is Horrifying

"Summer Fun" must be German for "Shitty Day Job."
Want to have tons of “Summer Fun” this season? The Playmobil Housekeeping Set will let you enjoy all the thrills and excitement of summer, such as cleaning semen out of some stranger’s bed sheets or unclogging a vomit-filled toilet.

I’m totally planning on buying this, along with the upcoming “Hot Tar Roofer" set. Then I’m picking up the “Chinese Sweatshop" playset.

Monday, March 17, 2014

See the Creepy Figures for Michael Bay’s TMNT Film

Teenage Mutant Ninja Garbage Pail Kids
Now that Hollywood has allowed Michael Bay to ruin the Ninja Turtles franchise, we’re just starting to get a sneak peak at the upcoming TMNT movie figures. And, given the fact that everything he touches turns into a pile of shit, it seems only fitting that each of these new turtles looks like he’s having diarrhea. I guess the new movie centers around the Ninja Turtles eating bad Chinese takeout and getting food poisoning.

Friday, March 14, 2014

My Brother's Lullaby Rendition of the Mega Man 3 Opener is Amazing

When my son was born, my brother Mark recorded him (or us) an album of the Mega Man 2 soundtrack as lullabies. Click here if you’re an asshole and haven’t heard it yet. Now, after 10 months, 120,000 plays, and a lot of poo stains (from my son, not my brother), the world has been graced with Mark’s new lullaby rendition of the Mega Man 3 opener. It’s insanely good.

I’m trying to get him to record more Nintendo lullabies, specifically Castlevania, Zelda, and Super Mario 3. Any game you’d want to hear as a lullaby? Leave it in the comments below, and maybe stupid Mark will start recording them instead of doing things like “exercising” or “going out with his girlfriend” or “leaving the house” or whatever the fuck he claims to do during the day.