May the Dorks Be With You

Because writing an eBook about collecting Star Wars toys (to mostly negative reviews) wasn't enough for me (and by "mostly" I mean "only"), I started a new Star Wars blog this year.

Enjoy Boba Fett's Blog.

Pez, Thanks for Phoning It In

It seems the Pez Corporation is shifting its design focus from “colorful characters” and “cuddly critters” to “things you normally see but you don’t really care about.” The first in this visually stunning new line is the CVS Delivery Truck that lets kids experience the thrill of delivering palettes full of mouthwash and Bayer aspirin before the weekend rush.

I’m especially disappointed with the 2011 printed on the side, because it implies they only make one of these a year. To be honest, I don’t think I want to live in a world where only one CVS delivery truck-shaped Pez dispenser is created each year.

Nevertheless, it has been surprisingly fun to use with my other Pez dispensers. I’ve enjoyed creating such memorable scenarios as “Yosemite Sam runs out of Brill Cream” or “C-3PO picks up condoms.”

If this is where the bar is set, I can’t wait for Pez’s next line of dispensers, featuring timeless designs like a Dung Beetle, Brita Water Filter, and Applebee’s Hostess.

I'll Save You Derek Rawling, Whoever You Are

Who could've written this?

Buying used toys is always filled with surprises. You get home and realize your GI Joe has a loose band, or your Ghostbusters figure has a broken pack, or your wife thinks you’re an asshole. Just when I thought I’d seen it all, I was greeted with a new surprise when I opened the Landspeeder I just bought. And that "surprise" is apparently named Derek.

Now, I’m no private eye, but I’m guessing this is the work of someone named Derek Rawling. And if my powers of deduction are any good (which they aren’t), that only means one of two things:
1.) This used to be Derek Rawling's Landspeeder, and his mom gave it away.
2.) Somebody kidnapped Derek Rawling, and this is the only way he’s able to call for help.

If it's scenario 2, I’m hoping Derek’s captors take a moment to explain the importance of keeping your vintage toys in good condition. Maybe they'll give him a lesson in proper toy maintenance once his Stockholm syndrome kicks in.

A little of my wife’s nail polish remover wiped away Derek’s name from the Landspeeder, but it’s going to take a lot more than that to wipe away the image of him bound and gagged, chained to a radiator in somebody’s basement. Maybe his kidnappers wrote their ransom note on the bottom of a Kenner Death Star Playset. I better go buy one just to make sure...

Pre-Wizard World Interview Questions

Sean Maher and Morena Baccarin: A weenis and a hottie.

With Wizard World (Chicago’s comic convention) less than a month away, the list of guest celebrities grows more and more every day.  The two that excite me the most are Sean Maher and Morena Baccarin, both from Joss Whedon’s Firefly series.  I plan to attend the Q & A session with them, and hope to ask them a question or two.


Here is a list of questions that I will probably need to ask them:

For Sean – Did you research medical terminology for your role on the show?

For Morena – Did you actually become a prostitute to prepare for the show?

For Sean – Since you’ve played a doctor on TV, would you mind looking at this rash?
For Morena – So, you’re from South America? What part? Texas? Alabama?
For Sean – Why don’t you spell your name Shawn?  Are you some kind of asshole?

For Morena – Does the fact that I’m wearing a Wonder Woman outfit creep you out?

For Sean – Would you be willing to find out if Morena likes me… like
 more than a friend?
For Morena – Is that pepper spray you’re holding?

For Sean – Can I borrow $500 right now, with no questions asked?

For Morena – Why can’t I take my pants off during this interview?

For Sean – Can you give me and Morena about seven minutes of privacy please?

For Morena – Is my full-out erection making you uncomfortable?

For Sean – Sean, seriously… What’s the status on that $500?
For Morena – How long until security lets me take these hand-cuffs off?

For Sean – Why are you leaving early?

For Morena – Why are you crying?

For both – Would you two like to come to the Renaissance Faire with me?

Now that's just good journalism.

June = Garage Sales

Quick, somebody grab the reindeer basket!!!

We can all officially mark June 4th as the beginning of Chicago's Garage Sale Season.  If a Groundhog seeing his shadow marks the onset of Spring, then me suckering some chump out of a Super Soaker 50 for only 5 bucks marks the onset of Garage Sale Season (Search on eBay for Super Soaker 50, and you'll see why I'm stoked about it...).

Summer is basically like a giant flea market that's spread out over multiple blocks and multiple weeks.  You can feel like a tool after walking seven blocks only to find a box of old Johnny Mathis records and some vacuum cleaner extensions.  But then you feel like Indiana Jones whenever you manage to locate some hidden relic hiding underneath the boxes of crap (like a Super Soaker 50).

At first, the dude running the garage sale didn't want to sell it to me.  Luckily for me, his negotiation skills weren't exactly razor sharp.


Me: How much for that Super Soaker?
Dude: It's not for sale.
Me: I'll give you five bucks.
Dude: OK...

They say you can't put a price on something that has sentimental value.  Fortunately, this dude's price turned out to be five dollars.

G.I. Joe/Batman Apron

My custom made GI Joe/Batman reversible apron.

In honor of Mother's Day, I figured I’d show off the reversible GI Joe/Batman apron my mom made for me.  I can only imagine how difficult it was for her to stitch it while constantly rolling her eyes.  When I say “reversible,” I mean it’s GI Joe on one side and Batman on the other.  Fortunately, both sides make me look equally douchey, so it doesn’t really matter.

I asked for GI Joe on one side because I feel like Snake Eyes when wielding a knife in the kitchen.  And I asked for Batman on the other side because I feel like Two-Face whenever I scald half my head in boiling oil.  Although, I wish I'd asked for Star Wars, since I like to freeze all of my vegetables in carbonite. 

Even though it’s a one-of-a-kind, I wouldn’t be surprised if these things really catch on in the culinary world.  Next thing you know, we’ll be seeing Emeril wearing a Thunder Cats chef’s hat.

Star Wars Figures that Look Like Celebrities

Kenner's line of Star Wars figures from the 70's and 80's may not resemble the people they're supposed to, but at least they resemble somebody. 

General Madine = Michael McDonald

This obscure general from Return of the Jedi looks creepily like music's silver-haired should crooner.  The ex-Doobie Brother is probably best known for composing the hit song, "General Solo, Is Your Strike Team Assembled?"

IMPERIAL COMMANDER = EDWARD NORTON.  

Ed Norton's spirit must have crept its way into Kenner's mold for the Imperial Commander figure.  And we all remember that classic scene from Star Wars where he curb-stomps a Stormtrooper (or was that American History X?).

 

BESPIN SECURITY GUARD = CHARLES BRONSON.  

Evidently Kenner hired a huge Death Wish fan, because some worker decided to fashion a completely negligible character after this action movie icon.  It's a good thing this security guard wasn't in the room when they tried to freeze Han, because all hell would've broken loose.

LANDO CALRISSIAN = SAMMY DAVIS JR.  

Considering his charisma and charm, it's only fitting that Lando should resemble this classy Rat-Pack member.  Watch the deleted scenes in The Empire Strikes Back for Lando's rendition of "Mr. Bojangles" at the Cloud City Concert Hall.

  

GREEDO = JOAN RIVERS.  

This ill-fated bounty hunter from the original film looks amazingly like Hollywood's favorite 300-year-old comedienne.  And her red carpet coverage of the Mos Eisley Film Festival was hilarious.